Hey Sweetie,




I know that you are wanting an update that includes last weekend's SEC championship game but since it is already Sunday morning and I am in Houston at Billy and Becky's I cannot give you a Teblow by Teblow account and besides, you watched the game anyway sooo, I will give you some random ruminations...





As you saw, Alabama ran over the Boogers to win the SEC Championship Game.  I was glad to see it happen because, not that I am a big fan of the Tide (around the bowl and down the hole, roll tide roll) but I didn't want the Boogers and their obknoxious (spelling purposely incorrect in a backhand slap at the hillbilly moonshiners from Ob-Knoxville...) fans to win again.  Plus if Teblows had a good game he would probably win the Heisman (which they would then re-name the Tum Teblows Award for Best All-around person and Christ-like figure) and that would send me into a vomiting rampage of epic proportions and would, in all likelyhood, kill me or leave me a drooling mass of blubbery flesh incapable of washing myself, toileting or changing the channel off of ESPN when they ran their 148th consecutive day of "Teblows, the man, the legend, the Christ-like figure despite his obvious homosexuality and ongoing unnatural relationship with his coach (and, as it turns out, his illegitimate
  father) Erban "I am a bigger asshole than Steve Spurrier and, thanks to Timmy, I now have a bigger asshole also" Cryer".  Make no mistake I am no fan of Nick Saban or Alabama.  He is a pompous ass himself and I have no doubt that Alabama fans will quickly rise to Booger-like obknoxiousness as soon as they beat the Long and Hornies in Pasadena.  But at least I can support our conference without being subjected to all things Booger and watch the media worship at the altar of Teblows for another month at least...





As a direct result last week's game, Mark Ingram of Alabama won the Heisman (thankfully still with it's original name so far) last night.  I am glad he won it although the voting is and always has been somewhat suspect.  The Heisman voting stupidity first came to my attention back in the 70's when Joe Theisman (previously pronounce "Theeze-man") changed the pronunciation to "Thighs-man" to rhyme with the Trophy for which he was a candidate. This was typical behavior for someone from Noter Dumb as they believe that they are superior to everyone -- as do most Catholics (they are taught this in church, after all, right before they guzzle the kool-aid) and is the reason why everyone else hates them.  It amazes me that some people have not figured out that in order to be beloved, you must be humble, otherwise, you are reviled.  Noter Dumb, the Dallas Cowbabies, both UT's (ET's retarded, yet obknoxious cousins), the hockey team that shall not be named (commie bastards beat the Preds in OT last night!), P-hed and the Dolts, Belidick and the Patsies, and of course, exhibit A, the eaters of nose filter collection and calcified mucus and snot in north central Florido-dah...I rest my case.  (I could have included USC in that list but then, nobody cares about the left coast enough to hate them). I don't blame the players on these teams so much as their fans who, after a taste of success, have become arrogant, obknoxious, bandwagon jumping oners pricks.  My rule is that if you are an alum (not like your uncle DW who went to UT for one quarter and flunked all of his classes except weightlifting) of the school or, in the case of pro sports, if you currently reside in the same city in which the team is located or grew up in that city and the city you currently reside has no competing team, then you are a rightful fan of such team.  Otherwise, shut the fuck up!  But I digress...In 1980, the Heisman voting bullshit was further advanced when the failed to award it
 to the best player that year because he was a freshman and instead gave it to a senior who was so stupid that he kept a mirror in his pocket because he thought it was a picture of him.  I am speaking of course of Herschel who should have won it his freshman year and George Rogers of South Carolina who won it despite having fumbled in the fourth quarter against the Dawgs and costing his team a shot at the National Championship and who couldn't spell "Cat" if you spotted him the "a" and the "t" ("Uh, I would like a "k" please, Pat).  I think that he is in prison now... Herschel won it when he was a junior but that should have been his third award, not his first. There was a brief reprieve of Heisman stupidity in 91 when the UT fans were so obknoxious that the voters snubbed P-hed and gave it to Charles Woodson.  That was funny, I don't care who you are...heh heh, still makes me chuckle...





Speaking of the Heisman (still named so, as I write this), I was talking to my former assistant Summer on FB and she mentioned that, in addition to being a Teblows fan (gag me with a spoon) she always cries watching the Heisman ceremony.  I thought this was singularly weird and told her that at least now she and Teblows have something in common but then I read the facebook entry of a girl I went to high school with (and who's father was a college football coach) and she mentioned that she cries watching it too!  Now these are two intelligent women who are better college football fans than many men and they cry over this trophy that is awarded based on a vote of sports media, most of which couldn't find their own ass with both hands and a flashlight!  Please tell me you don't get emotional over the Heisman and are reduced to tears every year or I will have to look at myself in the mirror and question your upbringing right before I blame your mother.  Do you know anyone that cries watching the Heisman ceremony?  That is today's poll question.

Another interesting Heisman question -- since Teblows won the award and, therefore, gets a vote.  Did he vote for himself either this year or last?  Is he allowed to vote if he is a candidate despite him prissing his way to the award two years ago?  Don't get me started on "oh Teblows is too modest and Christ-like to vote for himself"... I feel a wave of nausea coming on....




I thought of doing a bowl recap but I have to start watching football soon so maybe I will save that for when you get home and start my blog...Your Aunt Becky is my favorite person today because, when she found out that the Titans game (not on until 3 pm) was not being shown here in Houston, she just stepped up and ordered the DirecTV NFL package for today so we could watch the Titans (and every other NFL game).  Now that is a good woman!  Uncle Billy definitely outpunted his coverage when he married her!  BTW, I have decided that the NFL Season Package from DirecTV is the single greatest gift a wife can give a husband.  Tell all of your female friends and also Pamela.

Speaking of the Titans, they lost last week to P-hed and the Dolts, up in Idiot-napolis, breaking their five game winning streak and putting a serious pothole in their road to the playoffs.  (the Dolts are 12-0 and as obknoxious as ever - it will be funny if they lose in the playoffs like NE last year--heh heh, and the football gods chortled).  The Titans played like mere mortals, losing a couple of fumbles, one on the Dolts 2 (Wince Young) and two interceptions.  It is a shame because the Dolts were definitely beatable that day.  The only thing that is a bit regrettable about the Titans' recent resurgence is that the media and many sheep-like fans are starting to heap praise upon Vince like he is the main reason, and not just one of many, that the Titans are winning games again.  We play the Rams today and expect to beat the crap out of them...I preach caution, this is a big trap game...CJ should run wild today as the Rams run defense is sieve-like, anything less than 200 will be disappointing.  I know that you said that anyone who mounts a campaign for MVP should not get the award and I tend to agree (see Theezeman story above) but I have not heard any more MVP talk out of CJ as yet.  I think someone told him to shut up and run (good advice since no one can understand him anyway) and if he gets 2000 yds or, better still, breaks Dickerson's record, then "O-Tay!" the MVP thing will take care of itself...that is what I would have told him anyway, including the O-Tay.  In fact, I would advise him against saying anything to the press other than "O-Tay CJ!" while holding up each hand with his thumb and forefinger together...MVP stands for Most Variable Pronunciation doesn't it?





All right, gotta run and catch the end of the first half of all the games (luv ya Beckster).  Call me when you get off the ship tomorrow and congratulations on completing your voyage of a lifetime...







Love you and miss you,

Dad


Special Update UO v. OSU

I watched most of the UO/OSU game last night (I was flipping back and forth a bit watching the Jets vs Bills because one of the Bills is on my fantasy team so I had to keep up with his stats).  It was a very entertaining game although I couldn't help but relate it to a flea circus what with all the little ankle biters for both sides running up and down the field with the ball.  The midget beavers (brothers James and "Quiz"--short (pun intended) for Jaquis or something equally ghetto -- Rodgers) were most annoying little rodents.  Almost every play one of them either ran the ball - Quiz - or caught the ball - James and Quiz.  OSU has a pretty good QB but everytime he handed off or passed the ball it was to one of the rat brothers.  By the second half the Ducks figured out that the ball was going to one of them every time so they quadruple covered them and when they ran around they just stepped on the their big ugly tails...

As the game started I thought that the Ducks surely could have picked a better uni combo for this big game.  They had on bright white pants, simple green jerseys with yellow numbers and some gawd-awful shade of yeller hats.  Maybe I am a purist, but I think that no matter what color unis that they wear they should stick with the green helmets.  If you have ever hunted mallards you would know what I mean, the green head is the most distinctive characteristic of the drake.  The absolute best are the green helmets with the yellow facemasks (like the color of the beak).  Now that is excellent football couture.  Anyway, I think that the fluorescence of those helmets was a bit distracting at first because Oregon came out kind of flat and had two big turnovers early in the game that led to 10 OSU points.  The ball was on the ground so often and so many penalties were called that I thought for a minute that I was really watching Georgia and my TV was broken vis a vis the color.  UO ran back a kickoff for a TD early that was called back because about 100 Ducks were caught holding -- no wonder the guy scored!

Autzen Stadium looks like a weird place.  It does not seem symmetrical at least from the TV.  The top line of the stands is kinda wavy like it was a regular stadium before an earthquake hit and they decided not to fix it.  The weather was cold but not frigid -- 30 degrees F (or -1 C for you international voyagers) and the crowd was pretty much rocking the whole time.  My main complaint was that they did not show near enough shots of the fine UO cheerleaders and too many shots of that Howard the Duck looking mascot.

The game was back and forth all night but most of the damage done to UO was self-inflicted.  The OU offense is wild and wacky with guys running every which a way led by the QB Masaoli (the best sign I saw was "Holy Moly Masaoli")  That guy escaped more times than Houdini but a few times it looked like he got tired of running around and just headed for the nearest Beaver and said "ok you can tackle me now".  They would do well in the CFL.  The star for the Ducks was the redshirt freshman RB #21 LaMichael James.  He got the RB job after the first stringer -- LeGarrette Blount -- (what is with the Le or La in front of perfectly good names -- do people in Oregon want to sound French?) sucker punched a Boise State player and was suspended indefinitely after BSU upset the Ducks in the first game of the year.  Blount took his punishment like a man and was eventually reinstated a few weeks ago but could not get his starting job back because LaMichael was larunning like a lamadman.  Blount did play in the second half last night and had some nice runs including a TD.  LaMichael ran for over 150 yards and lascored lathree laTD's.

In the third quarter the Beav's went up by nine points thanks to a Duck turnover and failure to step on Quiz's little tail but then LaMichael and LeGarrette and LaMasaoli took over and scored a couple of times and the UO defense rose up to squash those bug brothers.  When the scoreboard read 0:00 it was the Ducks that were Pac-10 Champs (or maybe Canadian FL champs) and are headed to Pasadena (or maybe Toronto) to play Ohio State in the Rose Bowl (or the Argonauts in the Grey Cup).  Final Score: Ducks 37 - Beavers 33. 

This will be only the fifth time UO has played in the Rose Bowl and they have only won once, in 1917 -- that is almost as bad as the Cubs!  Since my grandparents went to Michigan I have a natural hatred for Ohio State (and really the Big Ten in general since they think that their slewfooted brand of knuckle-dragging oafish football is any comparison to the swift and stylish SEC) I will be pulling for my new favorite Pac-10 team, the Oregon Ducks!  Congratulations on winning the championship of the left coast little league!  Beat Ohio State (another OSU - how ironic) and I will declare you minor league bowl champs (you can't consider yourselves real champs unless you can beat an SEC team).  I hope they wear the green helmets in Pasadena!

This is the end of my special report.  Have fun in Hawaii...

Dad

Hello Loo-reen,

That is more than enough of a reason for her to pull for the Ducks.  In fact, it is so sufficient that I will go against my natural inclination to pull for OSU (colors are red and black; they are the underdog; they haven't won the Pac-10 title since 1964; and their nickname is the Beavers) and jump on board the Quack Attack bandwagon (I think it was the stupid ex-boyfriend that put it over the top -- revenge is a dish best served cold and nothing is colder than putting the smack down on a stupid ex-boyfriends gridiron bunch -- it hits right in the babalooshkis of a male ego).  Besides, the Oregon cheerleaders are the hottest squad in the NCAA...

BTW, stupid ex-boyfriend is at least as redundant as crazy ex-girlfriend...

Good luck on the exam.

Love you and miss you,

Dad

Hey Lauren,

I remembered last night that I forgot to give you the answer at the bottom, got caught up in Titans mania.  Speaking of which, after the game on Sunday some guys were selling shirts in the parking lot that said "Are you conVINCEd now?"  I am not totally conVINCEd but I am getting there.  We will see what happens in Idiotana this weekend.  Yesterday CJ said that he should be a candidate for MVP and he was starting a campaign.  I hope he gets someone else to do the talking.  He sounds like a cross beween Mushmouth and Buckwheat.  I don't want to sound racist and I am not trying to impugn his character, I have heard he is a good guy but he could use some coaching in the area of enunciation.  That or get his tongue trimmed cause right now it sounds like it is about 2 sizes larger than his mouth.  Regardless of his campaign strategy, he should win the award if the Titans win out and he breaks the record (held by Eric Dickerson of the LA Rams -- there's your answer kiddo).  That is, unless they give it to Vince...

I will do my best to recap the Civil War for your friend.  The game is tonight and I will try and tune in.  It looks like a pretty good matchup, OSU is ranked 13th and the Quack Attack is ranked #7.  Right now the big question is which one of the 7,056,892 uniform combinations will Oregon wear for this battle not only for the Rose Bowl but for the Pac-10 title.  It is good to see the Pac-10 change their script and not have USC involved (they have won the Pac-10 the last seven years -- seems like seven hundred).  Just curious, who does she want to win?  Please don't tell me that she doesn't care (I have friends at both schools; my Dad went to Oregon and my mom went to OSU; my boyfriend really likes the Beavers but I think Ducks are cute.  none of that shit!) otherwise I will have to renig on my recap.  If she can't strap on her big girl panties and pick a side, why should I care?  I am from Florida -- do I care who wins the Booger-FSU game even though I didn't go to either school (thank God!) -- you bet your ass I do! I would also like to know why she favors one school over the other (acceptable answers might include: My ex-boyfriend is a jerk and he cheated on me and he likes the Ducks so I love the Beavers forever! or my Dad went to OSU and my Mom went to OU but I love my Dad more so I am pulling for the Beav's! or the skank that beat me out for cheer captain in high school goes to OSU so Quack Quack, go Mallards! or even Ducks are cute and Beavers are nasty -- although this last one is borderline lame but if she is passionate about it I can let it slide...)

Preds lost last night in OT to Minnie-ha-ha.  Got a point so still in second place in the division.  They play the division leading Blackhawks tomorrow night in Chi-town and that game should tell a lot.

Call when you can,

Love you and miss you,

Dad

Hiya Sweetie,

It was a good weekend for your old Dad sports-wise.  First the Preds extended their winning streak to 7 games before losing Friday night but then won again on Saturday night to start a new streak. They are the hottest team in the NHL.  They are now in second place in their division and would be in the playoffs if they started today.  Monday night they lost to Calgary, the hottest road team in the league 5-0.  That still makes the Preds record 11-4 over the last 15 games.  Pretty good for a team with no offense, no big name goalie(s), no scoring stars and a coach that hasn't coached anywhere else -- oh and playing in a southern city that except for 15,000 intensely loyal fans, has no support to speak of.  On a side hockey note, when you get internet access in Hawaii, check out the video of Tomas Vokoun (VO-KOOOOON!) about getting decapitated by his own teammate.  I'm sure you can find it on YouTube or something.

On Saturday night, the Dawgs went to Bobby Dodd Stadium and Bobby Didd it to the previously #7 ranked Yellow Maggots 30-24.  UGA played it's best game of the season and whupped em like a gub-mint mule!  Dawgs were +2 in turnovers (in + category for the first time all year) and that says a lot about what might have been.  It was a bad week for the ACC.  The Maggots and Clemons are in their Championship Game this weekend and GT lost to us and Clemons (so aptly described to me as Auburn with a lake!) got beat by Lord Voldemort and the Gamecocks of South Carolina 41-17.  Then to top it all off the Boogers beat the semi out of the 'Noles in the cesspool the boogers call their stadium.  This was a truly gag a maggot night in booger-ville -- Teblows last home game; Teblows last this and last that blah blah blah blah blah blah.  He came onto the field carrying flowers, probably hugged Erban thirty times, cried a bunch (Erban cried too) and generally made homo asses of themselves.  If he wins the Heisman again a) they will probably rename it after him; b) grant him two more years of eligibility so everybody can have a chance to kiss his gay ass; c) him and Erban will announce that they are getting married and because Teblows is preggers with Erban's love child; and/or d) I will shoot my TV so I don't have to listen to any more crap about Teblows...

I had hoped that a Dawg win would mean a berth in the Music City Bowl but alas, it is not to be.  Kentucky is coming here to play UNC instead.  UK fans must be excited, this will be their third bowl trip to Nashville in the past four years.  Oh boy, Nashville again?!  Looks like the Poulan Weedeater/Fred's Bait & Tackle/Independence Bowl in beautiful downtown Shreveport, Loozeeana for the Dawgs.  I think it is on TV, probably on ESPN8, the Ocho.

When Sunday dawned we awoke to the Titans putting their four game win streak on the line against the Phoenix Cardinals at LP.  Titans spent the whole first half going up and down the field and kicked two field goals.  The Cards were playing without Kurt Warner because he was still suffering ill effects from getting his bell rung last week so Matt Leinart was their QB (of course everyone was referencing the last time Leinart and Young squared off -- UT beat USC for the National Championship).  Anyway, they weren't any better and only got one field goal so the score at half was 6-3.  Yawn!  Still pretty boring until the end of the third quarter when CJ takes off on an 85 yard TD run. That guy is amazing, probably the fastest guy in the league.  He leads the league in rushing and is on pace to run for over 2,000 yards this season, in fact the single season record of 2,103 is within his reach.  Bonus points if you know who holds that record--answer at the end--don't cheat, it is beneath you.  Anyway, he ran for 153 and became only the third back in NFL history to run for over 125 yards in six consecutive games (Earl Campbell and Eric Dickerson were the other two).  Anyway so we are up 13-3 and kinda bouncing around in our seats and then some guy for AZ takes the ensuing kickoff back 100-yds for a TD.  So now we are back to 13-10 and uneasy.  In the fourth, they go on a long drive and score to take the lead 17-13.  We get the ball back with about 5 min to play and Vince throws a long one to rookie Kenny Britt and he makes a diving catch at about their 30, gets up, is hit and promptly fumbles.  Oh shit! was said almost in unison by at least 60,000 of the 67,000+ in attendance (1,000 were Cards fans; 4,000 were either in the bathroom or in line to get a corndog and their "Oh shit!" was either delayed or not heard, 2,000 were kids and not old enough (or brave enough) to say Oh Shit although they were thinking it and another 1,000 or so said !@#$#$%#@^%^&% instead of Oh Shit!  So as some head for the exits (their tickets should be revoked) the Titans hold on and force a punt with just under 3 min remaining.  Well, their communist muslim terrorist of a kicker promptly smacks one about 70 yards to our one and the same guy who ran the ko back for the td downs it right there.  So, here we go, 99 yards for our formerly suicidal QB to drive us for the winning TD and he has only 2:37 to do it. More former season ticket holders head for the their cars as Vince tosses a short completion and a couple of incompletes to bring up 4th and 4 at our 7. Complete to Lavelle Hawkins (who?) for 8 and a first down.  A couple of plays later VY drops, throws and his pass is batted up at the line and we all watch in slow motion as three Cards converge on it and then -- not a bird, but a Bo (Scaife) comes slicing across and catches it for about a 15 yd gain.  Ok, we think we got the mojo now, that pass should have been picked (VY had no int's all day -- who is this guy?).  Then VY tosses another to Lavelle, a couple to Jared Cook (where has he been? who knows - his last sighting was against Pittsburgh in week one) and the Titans get to the Cards 9 yard line with 19 seconds on the clock.  Two incompletes and a sack later (we used our last timeout) we have 4th and goal from the 11 with :06 to play.  Vince takes the snap, drops back, is forced to step up, is looking, looking, looking for a receiver, he may run and then flips it with that sideways way he throws right into a crowd in the back of the endzone and then, rising up like a phoenix between two defenders is.....no, not the Stay Puft marshmallow man...but Kenny Britt! -- he of the Oh Shit fumble! the rookie that was only playing because Justin Gage was hurt!--yes him!  He jumps up and snags that ball and hugs it to his chest likes its a sub sammich and he hasn't eaten in a week!  Titans Win!  Unbelievable! Five in a row! We stepped on their face with a hobnailed boot!  It was fun.

On Monday they were calling it the Music City March.  On Tuesday, VY was named AFC offensive player of the week. Today, everyone is predicting that the Titans will go to Indy next week and take down the undefeated P-hed and Dolts.  After that, we will be talking playoffs.  This town is giddy.

So, how was your weekend.  Ace those tests?

Found out that regular Verizon rates apply in Hawaii so call your little head off when you get there.  Also, Pamela wants to know what you want for Christmas so give us an idea so we can start making up excuses now for not getting you what you want.

Alright, gotta go, another Preds game tonight (schedule is a bit condensed because of the winter Olympic in February when the NHL will take a 2 week break).

Call us when you get to the good ole US of A.

Love you and miss you,

Dad